Communication

Wayne, a furniture dealer from Charlottetown, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Wayne couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Wayne has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Crime Pays

An old man lived alone near Alberton. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison for selling canned pop. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. --- Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son...
Dear Dad ---- For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. ---- Signed, Your Loving Son

At 6am the next morning, the RCMP showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son ...
Dear Dad ---- Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Signed, Your Loving Son.

Generosity

At an Rotary meeting in Manchester, a visiting Rotarian, who happened to be a wealthy American, announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who finds it.
 
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Out of Gas

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Life Insurance

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

True Story

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC, for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of the tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays Jingle Bells."

Things a Dad Will Never Say

1. Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!
4. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!
5. What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
7. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.
9. What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
10. Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

Surgery

A patient wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..."

After surgery, as the patient was being put back into her bed, she discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

Dental Office

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed her certificate, which bore her full name. Suddenly, I remembered that smart attractive girl with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing her, however I quickly discarded any such thought. This gray-haired woman with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After she had examined my teeth, I had some courage and asked her if she had attended the local high school.
"Yes," she replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.
She answered, "In 1964."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
She looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.